Pen and Paper

To my dear managers,

It has come to my attention that a problem regarding the production has arisen. As you know, I make a conscious effort to keep my opera house running smoothly, and am troubled when I hear that not all is going according to plan. My plan. Because it is my plan that will ensure the further success of my theatre and also guarantee that the two of you won’t end up on the streets acting like the drunken, discombobulated dimwits that you are.

So it would really be in your best interests, my kind managers, to follow my instructions carefully. I shall be enormously unhappy if I am forced to repeat them yet again, and the world does not fare well when I am unhappy.

Carlotta Guidicelli is quite possibly the poorest excuse for a soprano and an actress in general that I have ever had the misfortune to hear. She sings as if her intestines are slowly being extracted through her backside. She stomps about the stage like a mad chicken, squawking and screeching something terrible. Her acting skills are so over exaggerated that I fear she will one day explode from the ridiculous effort of it all. Also, someone should work up the courage in the near future to tell her that her costumes are far too small and heaving breasts are not attractive in the least. She will doubtless wreak havoc upon the production.

Ask yourselves, my good managers, can you really afford to lose such a large amount of money, especially when you have my monthly payments to keep up with? I think not! It is safe to say that the pair of you are in a deep spot of trouble.

There is a dreadful problem here that can herald equally dreadful results if not corrected immediately. “But what to do?” you ask, “Where to turn?” Look no further, my bumbling friends. I have conveniently come to your rescue yet again, out of the goodness of my heart.

Christine Daae will replace Carlotta in tonight’s performance, as Carlotta will be “ill.” I assure you that Mademoiselle Daae is well rehearsed and trained for the part. Her voice will mark the beginning of an era of triumph for this opera house. After tonight, patrons shall be throwing money at your feet in hopes of hearing such a miracle.

I will not tolerate defiance. Should these commands be ignored, you and the entire theatre will be very sorry indeed.

Graciously and most humbly yours,

Opera Ghost